Sleep, my little darling.

Me: I feel like the worst mother ever. I know I have to do it. I mean, I want to do it. But it just seems so soon....We finally have a good routine going on here.....gah! 


*tears begin to slowly make their way down my face. Jesus, what is this, like the tenth time I have cried about this??


Husband: Do you really not want to go back to work?


His voice trails. He feels sad about me going back, too. God, this sucks.


Me: No, I do. I just feel like I am going to miss out on so many things. *a huge sob escapes and now I am crying  in the nook of my husband.


This will get easier, right??

It is the Sunday before I return to work. Luckily for me, I actually don't start work until Wednesday so I don't feel those anxious Sunday night blues quite yet. After nearly 14 months off, I am torn between feeling desperate for adult interaction of the work kind and utterly devastated that someone other than me will take care of the sleepless wonder. I also feel like I've been out of the work loop for too long. What if I forget how to do my job?? "It will come back to you in no time, " everyone around me reassuringly says, but I'm not so sure. My husband asked me a basic grammar question the other day and my super keen brother-in-law who was a part of our little debate googled the answer I gave and I was wrong! (and was super annoyed at that stupid Iphone. And google. Pff!) I'm an ESL teacher for foreign adult students and believe me, they are just waiting for me to make a mistake. Remember in elementary school when the teacher would misspell a word on the board and the loudest and most obnoxious student would yell, "Miss!! You spelled that wrong!!" Ya, some of my students are just like that. Except they are 20 years old and paying a lot of money and I can't threaten them to the corner for being rude. Dammit! I'm so screwed.....

I also feel so sad. Like, really sad. And guilty. What if he walks when I'm at work? Says something brilliant? Or says anything beyond, "Da da da ga ja ja?" My head knows he will be ok. My head knows that for every one thing I miss, he will be at home and do ten things that will wow me. My head knows that I want to work, that I love my job (most days), that I have great co-workers. My head knows that I can't wait to dress up a little and head downtown everyday. My head knows that I went to school for 5 years so I can earn my own keep. My head knows that my baby needs this, that he'll do so well with other kids, that he will do so well learning and playing without me. My head knows all of this. If only my heart would catch up.