And I have miles to go before I sleep.

Me: (speaking into the big brown eyes of baby) If you nap, just once today, I promise when you are 16 you can borrow your father's Metropass and head into the city. Because, let me assure you, with the price of insurance and the immaturity of young males, not to mention peer pressure and the rush to go too fast, and well, that's just a combination I am not entirely comfortable with, and I really don't think, scratch that, I know you won't be allowed to drive until your at least 18. Hmmm...maybe 19.....

Baby: Waaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Me: Crap.

Negotiating with a baby is about as useful as opening a bag of dill pickle Lays and swearing you're only going to eat a handful and then close the bag up. Ya right. Since I knew that napping and sleeping better at night were so closely linked, I vowed to get baby to nap, and nap long. As it stood, he was the master of the 25 minute snooze. I had read that any nap less than an hour didn't really count as a nap because the necessary sleep cycles were not met.I had become a bit obsessive about the whole thing. The way I saw it was if I could achieve this victory, then a full nights sleep would soon be on it's way. Not to mention, I was so beyond sick and tired of rushing through a shower, hurrying through my mascara, and barely doing my hair. I may not have been sleeping, but dammit, I still wanted to resemble at least some part of my former self-the one that thought 8 hours sleep was just right, but could easily sleep 9 hours if she could.

Since the call to the sleep coach had yet to made, we really only had the bum sooshing to get us by. However, it's effect was waning and was the least useful at naps. I decided to use the power of the internet and I searched out several methods.

1. Gently put your baby in the crib. Say goodnight, I love you. Baby will slowly drift asleep on their own.

Was this a joke?? No, really. What sick fool thought of this? I snorted, but still gave it a shot. Baby screamed and screamed. I took a shower. I even took a few extra minutes, just to be sure. I got out of the shower. Baby was still screaming. This was torture and went against all the attachment parenting we had instilled in baby. Who said babies could only cry for 25 minutes before they tire and fall asleep? I call B.S on that little theory. If anything, the crying became louder and more desperate the longer I sat outside his room.

2. Place your arm in the crib to make baby feel secure. When baby is asleep, gently remove your arm.

First of all, there is nothing "gentle" about any movement made by me. Although I might think I am being stealth like in my actions, baby senses it nonetheless. And believe me, after standing over a crib with one arm in, that evidently is turning blue from lack of circulation, being gentle is not an option. As such, blue arm and all, I would become even more angered about having wasted my time.

3. Sit in the room with baby so he can see you. Put your back to him and do not respond to him. Slowly move closer and closer to the door. Baby will eventually fall asleep.

Ah yes. Torture device #3. I think I actually felt a soother hit the back of my head at one point. Yep, not one stitch of progress.

So how long did I do each of these suggestions before moving on? Well, that depended on my mood or my patience level that day. In the end, I often caved, and picked him up, or nursed him, or let him cry, or forgot nap time all together and canceled my plans for the afternoon. Wasn't napping supposed to be natural? I mean, I was tired. I could nap anytime, anywhere. Hell, before baby, I actually suspected I was part feline. I had to nap after coming home from work. Isn't that genetic?
I suppose I should have stuck with one method, for a longer period of time. I didn't have this epiphany until much later. C'mon now. I've raised how many children in my life? I just kind of expected baby to take on the same lazy sleep routine as our pup, Charlie. She's so into sleep she actually gets annoyed in the morning when you try to walk her.

I had to make the sleep coach call. I had to be told what to do. I had to be reminded that our child was not a brown Toy Poodle.